Of me and 2020.

So, I haven’t been here for a while. I hope you’re all okay and have endured the chaos of this year. It’s been challenging, hasn’t it?

I feel that this year has changed me… that’s a bold statement to make early in this piece, but let’s make that its focus. It was easy to change because I felt so lost. I was something easy to mould because my life and soul had lost its form. I think I became lost because I had lost sight of my purpose. It’s so easy to get caught up in life and see that goal and dream fade into the distance. But let’s look at this year in a different light. Let’s see through the darkness and see what it truly was.

The events of this year were time granted for myself to stop and reflect, to breathe and plan. I began to spiral at the beginning of this year… I was falling to a place so hollow and dark, cold and alone. I needed that pause of reality, to find who I was once again. I became lost in that chaos of me, but quickly found how to apply the pressures of my learning. I found love and lust, and quickly learned how to lose it. I discovered health and strength and wisdom. I found philosophy. I found purpose. I gained experience.

We are quick to dismiss the experiences that bring us down, aren’t we? I know I was. I spent years being low and self-hating. “I’ve wasted years of my life,” I told myself, repeatedly. It became a habit. A spiral. Then, I realised how much I had learned during those years. I realised how strong they made me. I realised how resilient I had become. I think I began to forget those things again before I was forced to pause and stop and look deep within myself. You see, experiences make us who we are. They are not moments to dwell upon, but ultimately to learn from. Know this. Remember it. In your darkest times, you will always find yourself. It’s inevitable… it can just take time.

But what has changed? What did I learn? How will I make sure that I am less likely to spiral?

I did find Philosophy.

After becoming thoroughly engrossed by the book Happy by Derren brown, I found within its contents something that called to me. This was a philosophy in the form of Stoicism. The Stoics focused on a life of virtue. Their teachings were that of wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance. They taught the mastery of the mind, and Amor Fati… the love and acceptance of fate. All of these elements spoke to me in a way that nothing has before, and it’s a philosophy of life that I have been falling into since going through therapy. I do wish to become more resilient to the chaos of life and learn to accept whatever falls to my path. The Stoics were masters of this. They believed in a focus of only that which is in our control; our mind and our actions. I am still learning, but I will learn. I will find my mastery.     

I became Vegan.

So, for the past two years, I have been mostly vegan. By that, I mean that only one meal a day (if that), wasn’t plant based. This was a diet that I followed in order to reach a higher fitness level and obtain a body that I was happy with. Then it occurred to me, that I may as well transition fully to a vegan diet. I’m not one to force views on anyone, and I never will, but I don’t agree with the way animals are treated for our benefit. I know that I can’t change the world by becoming vegan, but I would rather be part of the solution. Besides those views, I am finding it to be an exciting experience! I’m enjoying discovering new foods, new tastes, and new ways of cooking meals! I feel amazing, healthy and my conscience is a little less heavy. Most of all, I think, I feel that I have more control over what I am putting into my body.  

I found a new purpose and focus.

I am a writer, and I always will be… but this year has made me hungry for more. I want to make a difference. I want impact those around me. I want to be remembered (not that I’m going anywhere). I want to use everything that I have learned and experienced, the good and the bad, and turn it into something entirely positive. So, with that said, I am training to be a life coach and writing a self-help book. Along with this, I am studying introductory Philosophy and Psychology. It’s going to be a long and hard journey, I know, but I also know that it will be a rewarding one. I am hoping that, with my insight and learning, I will be able to help others out of their darkness, and aid in their discovery of purpose and meaning. I have always had a passion for people and connection… and this feels like a natural progression for myself. But do not fear, I have not stopped writing fiction! Fiction and poetry will be something that I will always write. It was my vent, and the light when everything seemed dark. You will still be getting more novels from me, they will just take slightly longer than anticipated, and I will always be posting here!    

And so, that’s me. I am a little different now… I can feel it. I feel it as I walk through crowds, with my head held high. I feel it before I sleep, with a mind that is content and at peace. I feel it when I awaken, energised and ready to face any challenge. I feel more me than I ever have, and I know that this is a new spiral… only this one isn’t a descent.