Poetry: Beyond Words by Lee A. Vockins and R. Petrus.

They would look upon each other through a barrier of every conceivable reality. At the slightest touch, the veil was a collision of colour, shimmering with the very essence of infinity. It was an indestructible impossibility, but there it was – an obstacle between them and fate. As sure as the moon would grace the sky, the barrier would temporarily thin, like a window opening between existences that gave the two lonely souls a moment to connect. They were worlds too far apart to touch or speak, only able to see and communicate through a means of pen and paper.
It was in the same room, in a different reality, that they would spend an eternity falling through words and poetry.

Your words written and whispered
To the wind
Found my unsuspecting heart’s ears
And now I’m undone,
My defences thinned

Never seeing such beauty
Till that of your mind’s ink
Spilt over these pages,
Upon reading,
our souls did link

Knowing on a level so deep
It’s as if we’ve always been
And always were
Distance matters not
With you is where I begin

Time and space could never disguise
Your energy, my love
I’d sense it across the universe
Blocked by nary an obstacle
you may speak of

So leap from the daunting edge
of tomorrow with me
And float in the vast sea of eternity
Past the silvery moons
And vibrant stars where our spirits could be free

That’s what my soul
Calls out to yours
If only past this veil we’ll fly away
Hand in hand traveling in tranquillity
To far off galactic shores

Now ruined to any other’s embrace
Forevermore I’ll believe we are destiny
Hope will never leave
Till we are joined in joy so heavenly

These words are for you

as I fall through infinity

but you’re far from my touch

in this technicolour reality

Between the azure

of our divide

I promise, my love   

our destinies will collide

Unmake me

and shatter the barrier to shards

we will find a world that we could make ours

Beneath the skies of endless divinity

with you, my one

I will find eternity  

Rebuild me

and I’ll defy this twisted deity

for what cruel weaver of fate

would have you so far

Create from this chaos an alternate alkaline

because I’m beyond a means to define

the way I’m lost in your design

and how it flawlessly connects with mine

I feel like I could ebb and flow in this forever

finding in verse new ways to convey

we belong together

So I’ll stop time

and quantify

a means for our souls to intertwine

if only for a moment

to simply say

I love you.

Beyond Words

by

Lee A. Vockins

&

R. Petrus

Huge thank you to R. Petrus for working with me on this project.

You can find more of her work at:

R Petrus 📚 (@a_petrox_writes) • Instagram photos and videos

Poetry: The Rose And The Thorn.

In your eyes

I see nothing

but the everything

we could be

In your heart

I reside

in the part

you can’t hide

But

you are

the beauty

the rose and the thorn

and I am the beast

a creature given form.

#Beauty #Beast #RoseandThorn

My chaotic mind- Self-care and 2020.

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I speak a lot about how well and motivated I am at the moment, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly broken down the facts of how I got to this vastly improved state of mind and general being. I will do that right here, and hope you find it useful, but first let me take you back to where I was. I’ve always struggled with my mental health, depression and anxiety being the longest remaining difficulties that I’ve had to endure. Then just over eleven years ago, an incident triggered PTSD and OCD within me. I was on and off a number of medications and therapies to help cope, but nothing really stuck… that was until two years ago. Something in me ignited, and I pushed to better myself and get help. It was then, and only then, that the therapy stuck with me and worked. I think we all have those moments though, eventually. Those moments where the universe tells us to get the fuck up and do something. Along with therapy, and enforced by therapy, I took it upon myself to make improvements to my everyday life. These made a significant difference and got me to where I am today. Here is what I practised and dedicated myself to, in order to improve;

Exercise– I cannot stress how important exercise is to your state of mind. I think it’s a common misconception that the physical cannot help the mental, but from experience, I can confirm that it can. The body is a thing that needs to be trained and exercised just as much as the mind. I began training my body with a simple set of weights (that I picked up cheaply) and have used them for about six years. This was alongside a routine set of exercises (sit ups, press-ups, air boxing) and walking everywhere possible. Getting enough exercise is easy, and the costs some people relate to it are just an excuse. You need to push yourself sometimes, but it’s worth it. Do what you can. I have never been at the fitness level I’m at now, and it feels amazing.

Be around nature– Nature has always helped me in a way that I struggle to explain. I am always drawn to it when I feel lost or unhappy. It’s the air. The beauty. The colour. The life. The mystery. The absolute magic of this world, or the closest to it we will ever perceive. Maybe a part of it is the way that humanity has come to live. We aren’t supposed to be surrounded by all of this concrete and material possession. We are just creatures, after all. We are supposed to be around nature, and that is why it calls to us sometimes. Take a walk among the trees. Stare deeply into the ocean. Look up to the stars. This world is incredible and full of inspiration, you just need to start seeing it.

Meditation– Meditation was key to my recovery. It allowed me to search deep within myself and discover the issues with my thought processes. It allowed me to come to terms with the negative and enforce the positive. It gave me direction. Many people think that meditation is just about clearing the mind, but an empty mind is the result of practiced meditation. You must first let every thought in and focus on what you want to do with that thought. We are absolutely in control of our minds and what they do, we just need to keep them in check sometimes. It takes practice, but the effort can make a huge impact.

Writing– Writing has always helped me. I’ve written things down for as long as I can remember, from thoughts and feelings, to ideas and dreams. It helps me to visualise my thoughts and put them down in a way that I can return to them when I need to. A thought, especially a negative one, can initially be daunting. So daunting that we don’t know how to deal with it when it emerges. I think it’s these moments that writing has helped me the most. I often put these thoughts down in the form of fiction, but that is the way that I have trained myself to cope. My creativity has always been my solace and sanctuary.

Reading– Reading is the ultimate distraction for many of us. By focusing on words, we can lose ourselves from reality and exercise those brilliant minds of ours. My two main passions in life have always been fiction and knowledge… through countless books, I have my ultimate escape always at hand. Through books we can lose ourselves and what’s around us, even if it’s just for a moment, but sometimes a moment to escape is all we need.

Make time for yourself– Always make time for yourself when you need it. Life is busy and we are always on the move, but realistically, we can’t keep it up. We need time to recharge and re-energise. We are beings of limited fuel and energy, remember that. Take a walk among nature. See a friend. Talk to a family member. Be alone. Do something you absolutely love more than anything. Have all of the YOU time you need.

Learn to speak up and ask for help when you’re struggling– One of my biggest flaws in life has always been bottling up my thoughts and feelings. Even with a therapy that focused on this, I’m still guilty of it now… but I’m getting better at it. I think many of us need to learn that we are not as alone as we sometimes feel. We need to learn that it’s okay to show weakness, because in learning to show and target that vulnerability, we can learn to become stronger. We need to ultimately learn that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s modern society that is to blame for this imposed suppression of feeling and the ‘keep calm and carry on’ approach. Social media loaded with false smile and fake life. Emotion turned into emoji. We all have issues, we are just now more afraid than ever to expose them. This is something we need to break out of, and we can learn to… as with everything, it just takes practice.

So, there it is; things that I practised to learn more about myself and take a step closer to becoming a happier me. That would have been the end of this written form of thought, would it have been a week ago, but alas, fate would have it be more. The beginning of my year would have my heart unexpectedly broken. I feel that this is completely relevant to this piece, so will delve more into my thoughts to add a current state of mind.

I’m okay. It was cold and sudden, but I’m okay. It wasn’t the start to the year that I had expected, but I guess it was something that had to be. Everything happens for a reason, or so everybody keeps telling me… and perhaps they are right. I have been here before… more times than I’ll care to admit, but evidence of experience tells me that everything will be okay. Maybe I’m supposed to hurt, in order to learn. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone, in order to excel. It feels weird at the moment. Different. Not ultimately bad, just different. I’m keeping myself distracted with everything that I’ve mentioned here, and it is helping immensely. My practices have helped me through much worse, and for that, and the people that have helped enforce them, I am ever grateful. From evidence, I know that I am stronger and more resilient than I feel right now. I am okay, but will be better… perhaps better than ever before.

New year, new energy

“New year. New Energy. I have never felt like this. I have never felt such an abundance of determination. I have never felt so powerful. The creature within me stirs, my wolf spirit has returned. Last year I achieved everything that I needed to. I achieved focus. I achieved fitness. I defeated my demons. I am now ready for anything this universe can throw at me. This year I thrive and revel in the chaos.”

I posted that the day before it happened. I guess the universe was giving me what I needed to endure… and strangely, the idea for this article came at exactly the right moment too. This life really is strange. It works in ways that we cannot comprehend or fathom. Everything truly does happen for a reason. Life is an ebb and flow of the good and the bad, the dark and the light, we need only go with it… there is always a reason.

My Chaotic Mind- Back To My Old Self.

(Trigger Warning: This post contains mention of mental illness. If you think that you may be triggered by such topics, please do not read on. But, please know that, it’s okay to not be okay. I’m here if you need to talk. Contact me at Authorleea@outlook.com)

Something strange is happening with me recently.

I have lost, but I have gained.

I am busy, yet feel I have more time.

I feel like I stand taller, but haven’t grown.

I am far more active, yet feel I have more energy.

I feel stronger.

Faster.

Wiser.

I feel determined and capable.

It is strange, but it is much welcomed.

I think the these feelings are odd because I haven’t experienced them in a long time. They were hidden somewhere beneath thick skin and inside a hollowed chest. Somewhere dark and secure, but somewhere within, all the same. I feel different. I am me, but different. I am truer to both the person that I want to be and person that I feel I am supposed to be.

I guess I should tune out of my writer brain for a moment to say hey to you all, and maybe explain exactly what this is about. Those of you that have followed my blog for while know of my struggles with my mental wellbeing. In fact, I blogged about my experience with therapy right here. I like to be open about what I went through, in a hope to aid those going through the same thing. Well, this month marks a year of completing therapy. I guess this post is a follow up from that, to let you all know how I’m doing now. As you can probably tell, I’m doing great. As you can probably gather from the title, I feel back to my old self. But what exactly was my old self?

Before my struggles, I felt everything that I feel now. Confident. Strong. Happy. It’s freeing to be able to say that I feel those things again. Back then, around ten years ago, I could lead and inspire. I could speak without feeling self conscious. I could be among crowds of people without feeling the need to hide the true me. All these things were taken away from me after my PTSD, anxiety and depression was triggered. But that was then, it is the now that matters. They are gone. I labelled my struggles as demons and monsters, and like all demons and monsters in every good tale, they have been slain. Every moment was a battle. It was long and arduous, but in the end, I stand victorious. I won the war within my mind.

I’ve been busy recently. Really busy. In addition to working on numerous writing projects, I started a new job about six months ago. It was a job that I took in order to test and build upon my newly reformed confidence and ability. It was uncomfortable at first. It was a challenge to not crawl back into old coping mechanisms, but I didn’t. “You’ve faced worst. You’ve faced the edge of darkness and still came out victorious. You’ve got this.” I kept telling myself. I was right. I had faced worse. And you know what, only six months on into my new job, and I’m up for promotion. I am to lead and inspire as I did before. I am back to where I was before, but I am far more than I had ever anticipated. It took ten years to get here, but I’m finally here, and that’s what matters.

It’s crazy to think of how damaged I felt when I walked into the therapist’s office, in comparison to how I feel know. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come and what I’ve had to endure, but I have come this far and I have endured. I guess the message that I want to convey here is, no matter how bad things seem, they can get better. No matter how scary the recovery process might seem, you can endure, and you can become everything that you want to be. Decide for yourself exactly who you want to be, and make that your goal. Fight for it… and don’t stop fighting until you have it in your grasp.

– Lee A. Vockins.