My Chaotic Mind- Back To My Old Self.

(Trigger Warning: This post contains mention of mental illness. If you think that you may be triggered by such topics, please do not read on. But, please know that, it’s okay to not be okay. I’m here if you need to talk. Contact me at

Something strange is happening with me recently.

I have lost, but I have gained.

I am busy, yet feel I have more time.

I feel like I stand taller, but haven’t grown.

I am far more active, yet feel I have more energy.

I feel stronger.



I feel determined and capable.

It is strange, but it is much welcomed.

I think the these feelings are odd because I haven’t experienced them in a long time. They were hidden somewhere beneath thick skin and inside a hollowed chest. Somewhere dark and secure, but somewhere within, all the same. I feel different. I am me, but different. I am truer to both the person that I want to be and person that I feel I am supposed to be.

I guess I should tune out of my writer brain for a moment to say hey to you all, and maybe explain exactly what this is about. Those of you that have followed my blog for while know of my struggles with my mental wellbeing. In fact, I blogged about my experience with therapy right here. I like to be open about what I went through, in a hope to aid those going through the same thing. Well, this month marks a year of completing therapy. I guess this post is a follow up from that, to let you all know how I’m doing now. As you can probably tell, I’m doing great. As you can probably gather from the title, I feel back to my old self. But what exactly was my old self?

Before my struggles, I felt everything that I feel now. Confident. Strong. Happy. It’s freeing to be able to say that I feel those things again. Back then, around ten years ago, I could lead and inspire. I could speak without feeling self conscious. I could be among crowds of people without feeling the need to hide the true me. All these things were taken away from me after my PTSD, anxiety and depression was triggered. But that was then, it is the now that matters. They are gone. I labelled my struggles as demons and monsters, and like all demons and monsters in every good tale, they have been slain. Every moment was a battle. It was long and arduous, but in the end, I stand victorious. I won the war within my mind.

I’ve been busy recently. Really busy. In addition to working on numerous writing projects, I started a new job about six months ago. It was a job that I took in order to test and build upon my newly reformed confidence and ability. It was uncomfortable at first. It was a challenge to not crawl back into old coping mechanisms, but I didn’t. “You’ve faced worst. You’ve faced the edge of darkness and still came out victorious. You’ve got this.” I kept telling myself. I was right. I had faced worse. And you know what, only six months on into my new job, and I’m up for promotion. I am to lead and inspire as I did before. I am back to where I was before, but I am far more than I had ever anticipated. It took ten years to get here, but I’m finally here, and that’s what matters.

It’s crazy to think of how damaged I felt when I walked into the therapist’s office, in comparison to how I feel know. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come and what I’ve had to endure, but I have come this far and I have endured. I guess the message that I want to convey here is, no matter how bad things seem, they can get better. No matter how scary the recovery process might seem, you can endure, and you can become everything that you want to be. Decide for yourself exactly who you want to be, and make that your goal. Fight for it… and don’t stop fighting until you have it in your grasp.

– Lee A. Vockins.

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Lee A. Vockins

Lee is a poet and author from the small town of Newbury in Berkshire, England. His preferred genre is cosmic horror, but he writes and reads across a wide range of material. He is strong mental health advocate, PTSD survivor and fundraiser for Mind – a charity close to his heart. In his younger years, he could often be found with a guitar in his hands or diving into a mosh pit, but nowadays he prefers to wield a pen or read. He has an avid interest in philosophy, psychology and technology. When not reading or writing, Lee enjoys long hikes across the countryside, stargazing, music and the simpler things in life.

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